Melvin Speaks On How He Knew

Wedding Anniversary Date: December 17, 1999

How he knew his wife was the one for him:

“I first met Toya when I was a senior in high school. I knew she was different than any of the girls I had talked to in the past (and there were A LOT). She was very different...she wasn’t 'stupid' (that’s what I use to call girls who would let guys treat them any kind of way and still let em 'hit it').

We had a lot of things in common in regards to drama in our home life. I also think birth order was a key factor in us relating so well. I had two older sisters and she had two older brothers, which gave us the perfect conversational grounds...we had seen it all. I had a brother under me and a younger sister under him, and she had the exact opposite: a sister under her and a younger brother under her sister.

All of it, on the surface, seemed great. We were having sex and having great conversation. I used to have a philosophy when it came to relationships: 'We are not married, so I don’t have to put up with arguments or disagreements, we can just separate.' I would never base my decision of staying in a relationship on how long we have been together. I had seen too many people stay in bad relationships because they had been together for a long time. It seemed like unnecessary bondage that was self-inflicted. 'If you’re not married, why stay together, who needs the drama?'

We didn’t argue for the first two years of our relationship. But when we did, we separated. I was single during my sophomore year of college. After a year of the 'single life', I realized that I needed a true friend who I could understand and who understood me. We got back together. I knew I loved Toya, but I didn’t know she was my wife.

We were together about two more years and she got pregnant. I knew how to take care of my children because I seen my father take care of us my whole life. So I got us a place and started taking care of my new 'family'. This was a life-changing experience, but it still didn’t make me realize she was my wife. We were 'living in sin', according to the 'church-going people' that I would talk to. I felt like if somebody wasn’t taking care of their family, they couldn’t tell me nothing or give me any advice. I had seen that so much in the Church that I was deaf to any comments.

What many people didn’t know was that Toya had stopped having sex with me when my son was born. This was hard for me to comprehend or compute. I was working more than 40 hours, in school full-time and paying all the bills. I felt like I was crazy, but it was growing me.

After about a year of this, I started going to church. I wasn’t because I was searching for the meaning of life; I was trying to figure out why she was going so much. I figured it was someone at the Church because I used to go to churches to hit on girls...there are always 'wolves among the sheep'.

Well, I met the person, and it was Christ. When I got saved, I experienced the forgiveness and love of God. I realized that I was carrying non-forgiveness and did not know how to love with the love of Christ. I didn’t know what love or marriage was all about. I truly couldn’t love Toya until I first loved the Lord. I had to stop looking at my life, and start looking at life through God's eyes and how He sees me. It was then that I realized who I was and who I would serve. It was like my eyes were opened.

She dedicated her body back to the Lord, and even though I couldn’t understand it at the time, the Lord honored it. We got married four months later.”

What he loves about her mind: When we met, I was fascinated that we could hold a conversation deeper than the normal “surface level talking” that I was accustomed to. She was very articulate and continued to defy all the categories I had formed for women. This is still the case after nine years of marriage.

What he loves about her body: My wife’s body is and has always been a fascination to me. She was formed by the Lord with me in mind. I couldn’t recognize this before we were married because I didn’t understand our bodies are the Lord's temple. And only after true marriage covenant, can coming together as one become worship to the Lord. Anything before covenant is false idol worship in the Lord's temple.

What he loves about her spirit: When I met my wife, I did not know the Lord or his Word, so I couldn’t comprehend or recognize anything in regards to the Spirit...only of the flesh. We must remember that, “For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit.” It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing.

Melvin's advice to single men about marriage:

"A woman who fears the Lord deserves to be praised. The Word says that a man that finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. The Word says that a man who finds a wife; Toya was hidden in Christ and I had to find her by first going through Christ. A lot of women are trying to find a mate; the man is supposed to his mate. And when he has to go through Christ to find her, the Lord can bless it and give him favor. I didn’t find my wife or obtain favor until I was truly living for the Lord. That’s how I knew Toya was my 'good thing'. (I also wrote a song that explains our testimony entitled “A Good Thing” and put it on my first album, entitled “Proverbalist”. The lyrics and album can be found at www.proverbalist.com).”