Crystal Speaks On How She Knew

Wedding Anniversary Date: January 11, 2008

How she knew her husband was the one for her:

“I never desired to marry. Never. Until one day in my early 30s...a day that ALL I wanted to do was sleep in...you know, a Saturday morning with a warm summer breeze coming through my window. And then, my phone rings at 7:30am-ish...and it's Momma. She was picking up the argument/conversation we had the night before: "WHEN are YOU getting married?"

I could never understand the obsession. I have three siblings; one sister and two brothers who have NEVER dealt with this kind of pressure. My dad started hinting and 'accidentally introduced' me to a bunch of basic...umm, hmmm...IDIOTS when I was in my early 20s.

At least he waited until I was 'legal' . My mom started with me at five. I kept thinking, 'Am I adopted?' ...'Do I eat too much here?'...'Am I a burden?' Anyway, the older I got, the more I enjoyed EVERYTHING about being single and being ON MY OWN. While growing up, I was in a strict household, but I dated here and there. Nothing really deep. Just passing the time.

Eventually, I got tired. Tired of 'being with a man' to prove anything to anybody. So, I decided, 'I am going with my heart': Just me...and Jesus; the best couple in the universe as far as I was concerned. More and more, all I wanted was to please Him and use ALL of my talents to spread the Word about His love.

I was having a ball. Little did I know that God was going to throw a wrench...hmmm, let's say a little twist, into the journey.

I joined a church that I am still a faithful member of when I was in my early 30s. During that time, I was in and out of work...working on a Master's degree...trying to buy a home...finding myself...and all of those things were over a period of 10 years. Your 30s seem like when all that stuff happens. Anyway, when I first joined my church, I had 'After Sunday Service Dinners'... A LOT. Everyone and anyone could come. I wanted to start building relationships with my new church family. During that first year or so, Derrick (my now husband) was visiting with tons of others as well.

Did I remember? Nope! Did I care? Nope! My focus was WAY over somewhere else.

So, back to my mom. During this time of free Sunday dinners for the saints and ain'ts, my mom called that Saturday morning to ask me something she never asked, nor have I ever thought of before:'Do you even have a DESIRE to marry?'

I was practically begging my mom to GET OFF THE PHONE AND LET ME SLEEP!

But it stuck with me. I didn't realize that I had never desired it. Well, with her being the 'First Lady' of my former church, she told me she was glad to know and now she was going to pray for me...RIGHT THEN AND THERE! I was infuriated. WHY would I want you to pray for something I don't want?!? As usual, she ignored me...as she continued praying.

A couple of days later, I was driving to work and listening to my usual Christian station and talking to my best friend, Jesus. (I know...corny isn't it?) All of a sudden, I felt an indescribable blanket of peace, warmth, comfort...I cannot give you the words for it. All I know is that it was multiple feelings that I have NEVER had before and could not figure out what it was. When the 'presence' lifted, I still felt the remains of what it did to my heart. I asked God, 'That was so amazing. What was that?' He clearly said, 'The desire to marry.'

I SCREAMED, 'NOOOOOOOOO!' and rebuked it as I made it clear to God that I absolutely do NOT want to marry. I just wanted to be with Him. 'Give marriage to all of my girlfriends who dream of it,' I said. 'Let me just work for you.'

So...several months after this, it was Christmas season. My sister and I ran into Derrick after church. He was always friendly and kind and he asked what our plans were for Christmas. When he discovered that our home town was his, he was beside himself with excitement. He asked if we could all hook-up while we were there and hang out. I am ALWAYS open to a nice brother who would hook a sistah up! So, I agreed.

The first day, he and I and my sister hung out. The next day, she REFUSED to go...she didn't care to go. I REFUSED to sit up in the house AGAIN with mom and dad while watching the SAME Christmas shows.

So, while we were hanging out, I was having a wonderful time just being with a potential good friend. During our final moments, as we were walking down the aisle of Walgreens, that SAME presence hit me again, clearly stating that Derrick was it. It FREAKED me out! So immediately, I started acting silly and ridiculous to turn him off. I was hoping that IF he heard the same voice that he would NOT respond...and IF he did NOT hear the voice, he would NEVER respond.

However, he wasn't the LEAST phased about my behavior. This FREAKED me out even MORE! I had to get away from him! He was TOO nice...TOO kind...TOO perfect...for me.

When he dropped me at my parents' home, he told me to hold on to his number and when I got back in town to call him so that we could hang out again because he enjoyed it. I was polite and agreed.

When I got home, I let his phone ring about three times and I hung up. I just couldn't do it. But the presence would NOT LEAVE! Finally, I spoke to the presence (the Holy Spirit)and plainly said, 'Look...obviously, it is in God's will for me to hook up with dude. If I HAVE to, I have just one request: Please give me about 14 or 16 more years to find myself...to do my thing...to live as a content single woman growing to be whole. I am having TOO much fun, and I have some issues that I don't want to share with anyone else. I just want to be with you, Almighty. I will do Your will regardless, but PLEASE give me some time for me.'

He clearly said 'I will honor your request.' I took a big sigh of relief and TOTALLY forgot about the conversation. I basically did not make contact with Derrick again even after he volunteered to help me move from the very same apartment where I had Sunday dinners that he would come to. Anyway, I put all that out of my mind.

And about a year or two later, Derrick got married...to someone else.

When I found out he was getting married, I felt this weirdness in my heart. I shook it off and put the date on my calendar to go to his wedding. I kid you not, I had anything and everything to happen that day and was still in my lounging clothes trying to hurry up when I looked at the clock and saw that it was 30 minutes past the time of his wedding.

I felt so bad...because he was such a nice brother and I WANTED to be there out of support. To this day, I am really trippin' that I did not make it.

(Okay, this is getting too long...let me cut some stuff!)

13 years later: I am coming out of church on my work day. I was now working at the church. Derrick was there early on. It was weird because he was alone. He even joined us singles the Sunday prior...weird. Where was his wife?!? Was this ANOTHER marriage gone bad at church? I was hoping not. Anyway, while leaving church/work, I walked up to my girlfriend/co-worker to finish our conversation when I saw her and Derrick chatting. He was talking about his recent surgery and why he had not been at church. I was waiting for him to finish so I could talk to her. She left quickly to see about her sons at home. He continued telling ME about his surgery. When he finished, I started fussing about how I could NOT get a single brother to help me out at the new home I had bought. He, as usual, offered cheerfully to help me do whatever needed. I joyfully agreed, THEN repented and THEN apologized for not asking his wife out of respect.

He said, 'What wife? She left me almost a year ago.'

Shocked and hurt for him, I apologized and said, 'Never mind' and that I would be praying that they get back together. He was NOT in agreement.

He came to my home to fix what I needed. I was ready for him to leave. I had work to do and he was in the way. Don't get me wrong, he was a perfect gentlemen 'brother'. I just wanted him to do what I asked and GO AWAY!

He invited me to lunch when he finished. I'm a sucker for free food, and so I agreed and made it clear that I had a busy day ahead and could only go for a short time. We went to Panera Bread and talked for HOURS! I spent a good bit of that time quoting scriptures and trying to convince him to work things out with his ex. No matter what I said, it didn't work. What's funny is that although we were having a great time talking like we did years ago (13 years ago), he was not showing any interest in me AND no desire to work things out with his ex.

As he drove me home, I made one last attempt to help 'mend their marriage', when he said something I will never forget in reference to the subject of his former relationship:'Crystal, there is something you gotta understand about me. Maybe when you hear this, you will understand why I am not going to try again to work things out with her. When I got saved years ago, I made it clear to God that I will NOT let any man, woman, boy or girl ...not even myself come between me and my relationship with the Lord.'

Instantly, it felt like my head was spinning...like he was talking in slow motion. I felt the 'presence' again...really heavy...to the point where I felt like I was going to be sick...the kind of sick I have NEVER sensed or felt before. I cannot describe it. All I know is that all of a sudden, he looked like the most beautiful man in the world...AND I wanted to throw up!

(Wow...this is getting even longer...I gotta cut this some more!)

A year later...we got married.

Anyway, I used to hear people say, 'You just know' when I would ask them how they knew their mate was the one they were supposed to be with. I believed them...and now, from personal experience, I KNOW.”

What she loves about his mind: He is solid and focused...except when I game is on (grrrr).

What she loves about his body: He has a small frame, but he's actually very strong (which is scary in a way because I used to date big and tall men).

What she loves about his spirit: He is peaceful and steady. He's very content and absolutely LOVES the Word! Derrick is also one of the sweetest men I know. He DEMANDS that I be the REAL me. Every other brother I dated, grew quite annoyed with the REAL me...they wanted to mold me into whatever they assumed I was. Derrick considers that mindset a fool. LOL. Wow...it is so cool being with dude!

Crystal's advice to single women about marriage:

“CHILL OUT! HAVE FUN! LIVE A CLEAN LIFE! Enjoy men as friends and silly companions. IF marriage is going to happen for you, be content...be focused...be centered on loving God and being purposeful whether Mr. Right shows up or not. MARRIAGE IS WORK, but it's a good work...when you are both ready. ”